I'm stressed out with our class play. I'm ultimately confused...I'm having deep, dark circles around my eyes and blogging seems foreign to me now. I have a short story to write and I'm nowhere near to starting with it. I feel like crap.
I just hope that I stop acting and feeling like nonsense before tomorrow 'coz it's gonna be a quiz filled hell of a day. If I were allowed to broadcast a whole lot of cuss and fuss, I might be spending the whole night doing it.
Shit happens. Damn the one who discovered stress.
Yeah, So it's still flu season and I think it's getting up my head. It's driving me up the wall. I'm creating my own problems when I shouldn't be. I'm turning people into bananas and forcing myself to hate them when I can't. It's bananas for crying out loud. It made me walk when I was barely 3.
Anyway, true, I'm becoming crazy. I'm trying to find faults in sparklers just so I could make a study about them. I'm going to suicide because I'm taking up a course that's totally not part of my oh-so-sure strengths. Basically, I'm ranting because I'm scared. I feel naked, bare. Stripped off of the things I find comforting. My pillow doesn't even feel as soft as before. I'm as scared as hell and I'm sort of pushing people away. Well, not yet. But I'm getting there. And I don't want to.
See, I'm getting crazy.
It sucks when I get too much into the moment that I could rage out right away when someone breaks it. I have a really bad attitude when it comes to that.
Anyway, once I got home, apparently tired from the so-called practice, I graded all the test papers for SN. Part of me was enraged by the totally horrible grammar. And a part of me was laughing my ass off at the others' tendency of being plain stupid. I'm cruel. This is my site, fuck off if you don't want to read.
I'm practically going to school tomorrow just to listen to how universities do their magic talking. I'm gonna sit my ass all day listening to them do the business talk. As of now, I'm trying to device schemes on how to sneak in some stuff and do unfinished work like my learning paper, my math assignment and my conclusion-less column.
I feel frustrated by the thought that I've so much to accomplish but laziness is engulfing me. It sucks, I know.
So much for that. i wish tomorrow would go smoothly. And I hate to get into another playful row with him. It's irritating.
I'm staying til 7 tomorrow at school to start with the reading rehearsals. It's gonna be a tiring monday. Wish the whole class luck if you're reading this.
The line up of teachers are great! I'm the student of the two teachers I've been looking forward to having to teach me. Yeay me! I'm in a class whom I believe would make my last year in Seton worthwhile. And I'm living the hectic life I've been asking for this summer.
Although it was quite a bummer that Ms. Ditas had to be on leave for a month due to some health reasons, I'm glad that we're finally getting down to the actual lessons. We're having our first seatwork in Math on Monday and I have to study for it. The class is in the process of producing a play for English- a requirement for the quarter. Kinda decided on producing Lysistrata since the first quarter would mostly be about Greek and Roman Mythology. So we had to stick to the Greek culture.
I'm living my role as the managing editor which is equal to doing nothing. Haha! But I'm doing what I can to help EIC almighty even if it's just accompanying her to the office. I'm hopeless. Incompetent. =[ Though, it's really excellent that the articles are on their way to layouting. We're just having little difficulty with the GS section of the paper. Apparently, they're going way off the submission period. But I'm hoping that we can finally release an issue that isn't late and unworthy of reading.
If you're wondering why I'm writing so freely tonight, it's because Mom and Dad aren't home tonight. Mom had dinner with her friends and Dad is in Bacolod spending the weekend with Lola because it's her birthday today. It's quiet. Even the tricyles outside aren't bothering to broom their way on the main road.
I still have alot of thoughts in my mind that I want to empty myself with. Like how I got a little pissed off during ZLL or how the humid weather is getting on my nerves. I just remembered that I'm gonna have to pay a fee for an overdue book at the library. Sucks, I know. I'm leaving it to this.
- Mood:
tired
It's really miserable on my part because I have the tendency to speak before thinking. Today, my tongue has done countless whip-lashing and probably the last straw was when I sort of crossed the line. I apologized saying that I never meant anything in the joke and there wasn't any meaning intended to it. But it kinda bothers me on the thought that I'm reverting into my tactless habit.
I've been labeled 'tactless' countless times. I've gotten into scrapes with it. I've humiliated myself with it. And I admit that I lose my tact when I can't put it on paper. Yeah, if you've read the posts I wrote ages ago with the terrible curses and cusses, imagine me having to say it. It's worse 'coz I might have waged a war already if my tongue slipped the details on the wrong person.
However, I am trying to make up for my rash attitude that comes along with my strong personality. I better keep my mind silently busy rather than speak them out all in one blow. I pity the innocent target.
Enough of the rant. I'm starting to feel better now that I've written rather than scream my frustrations.
- Mood:
guilty
I don't think this is the case this year. Although, I think the panda looking me stays. Anyway, my hands are tied with articles right now. I have one features and one column article pending. It was a good thing that I had partners with me to do the other news articles that I volunteered doing. I'm not seeing tomorrow as something to look forward to. I'm lame, I know. I just want to get this year done and over with.
I'm still thinking of an angle for the pre-election article I'm currently working on. It kinda sucks, talking about politics again and again. It's like looking at a really messy room. Like mine!
*sigh*
Here's my baon:
- Writing is expressing a purpose. Mr. Jarin said that writing isn't just about getting to see your name on the byline but getting to express what we have to say. I see it as being functionally generous. By the term, I mean that in every output that we make, both reader and writer should benefit from it. I realized that it's not all about catharsis/ purgation. It has to have pabaon with it.
- Have a focus. He also told us that as writers, we have a tendency to write about everything we want to write...in one output. And I am one of those people. And I know it because of my previous blog posts. Try reading those really long rant posts I make. It blames almost everything that breathes in this world. Mr. Jarin said that we should focus on something specific and try to stick to the topic or we'd go putting in all sorts of ideas turning the output into lugaw (porridge).
- Heightened Consciousness. I still can't grasp that concept but it sounds really smart and dramatic that I really wanted to add this here. LOL! Although the way I understand it, it's close to being focused with the topic of discussion.
- Know what you want to convey. The HOW comes after. That's what we all do. Or it's sabaw =))
- Never censor. I've been hearing this since ArtsWork. So far, I've been uncensoring myself when trying to find really good ideas. Mr. Jarin told us that censoring should be used after we've written our thing. But as long as we're still formulating, unleash the imagination!
- Defamiliarization. I remember Sir Jethro Tenorio when I heard this word this morning. I miss ArtsWork. And I clearly remember the animal trasformation activity we did three weeks ago. I learned that Defamiliarizing could lead to a good output.
- Never follow what the seminar teaches you. They're just guides. Discover new techniques, he said. Break the rules. Produce fresh insights. "Forget what the speaker said!" Everything will come in handy when the time comes. (similar to what Mr. Glenn Mas said in ArtsWork!)
Oh yes! and the immortal motto: Read, Read, Read!
- Mood:
cheerful
So we finally had the copyreading seminar for around two hours. It was so fast since none of us really had any questions on the topoic. Had one article to work on then after verifying together, we were sent home. The teachers had a seminar-reason why we were sent home at 11:30.
Then I spent the day at dad's office again. I was glued to the laptop the whole time finding ways to kill boredom. I finished the fifth chapter of the fanfic I'm currently working on and posted it right away. I opened my account a while ago and I've received 2 comments which were total praises. Yeay! That's why I'm feeling lightheaded. The review was sugarcoated to the point that my head's inflating. La-la-la-la-la! Haha!
I'm having another seminar tomorrow with another speaker. I have no idea who he is nor the topic which he would be discussing. That means I'm gonna look stupid during the discussion tomorrow...Unless if it's a topic that I've read about already or something related to that.
I'm still feeling lightheaded after all this. And my mind has been racing all kinds of thoughts. If I just had someone to type it for me, I could be in the process of writing a novel right now. I'm so fly.
- Mood:
hyper
And I thought that I would be learning something new in campus journalism. Guess not.
I was a kilometer away from school when Iman texted me that the seminar was moved to tomorrow. Don't worry Iman, things like these are bound to happen. I don't blame you. Anyway, having received the text message, I was a little bummed out knowing that I'd be spending the day in a house that's supposed to be an office with my dad and his co-workers. So, I was practically being a tambay there making sagap of the internet with the laptop's wireless modem. My brother, on the contrary, moved inside that place like it was his own. And it made me laugh a little.
Now, I'm in school, using SN's PC to post this. It's kinda scary being alone in here. Not that 'supernatural beings' creep me out but the fact that someone might find the time to snoop inside and catch me in here using the PC at 4 in the afternoon clearly not on official business. I feel like I'm on a suspense movie. I'm getting too creative.
~~
So I did a little thinking while I was blankly staring into space and I remembered that I've been neglecting my FanFiction story. It sure has been a while. Almost a month since I last wrote on it. I can't even remember the outline I've made on that story. Haha, I'll try to find time later.
I want to get this over and done with.
God, I miss ArtsWork.
I was reading Daniel's blog a while ago and I came across his latest post which was short, bilingual but full of what he wants to say...or so I think. Then I realized why I was having a hard time with news writing, creative writing, or simply blogging - which I'm trying to do right now. I'm censoring myself too much. I'm forgetting the number one rule of the artist's code - Never censor yourself.
Now that I've figured out my what, I've got to know the then-what happens. And while I'm finding a good solution to my little dilemna, I've to keep typing random sentences that come out of my head just so the cursor would stop mocking me...with...its slow, repetitive blinking. *Poof* I got my answer! I've got to go back from where i've started. And that was about three years ago when I started this blog. I have to keep on writing and reading. I have to be the book-whore that I'm supposed to be if I want to keep expressing myself the way I'm supposed to.
**
Notice that it's incoherent. And it kinda sucks knowing that I inflicted this on myself. I neglected my everyday ritual of writing anything and everything to keep my head spinning in the 'proper' direction. Now I have to start over. To the simplest of words and sentences. To the most random and incoherent thoughts.
I have to repent.
Just Kidding. Nothing seems to connect. And I don't care any less. So what, right? I'm learning and it's good to be backward sometimes.
- Mood:
crazy
I dedicate this post to celina, who had finally decided to open my blog...just because she misses me. [ang hangin... grabe]
Since this Ateneo ArtsWork started, I've learned alot of things about myself and the world. And this, personal truth, as they claim it to be, is fascinating now that the source of my amazing creativity actually has a name. Personal truth!
So what's my personal truth that's been bothering me the past few days?
I'm like my parents...combined. Like yeah.. duh! But seriously, besides the biological aspect, when they both act in front of us children, may it be a little squabble on some current event like some political hypocrite still having a face to show in public or a 'yes and' conversation about American Idol, I sometimes see exactly how the way I would act if I were in a similar situation...with younger pals. Being a little direct, my being stubborn, shrewd, cheerful, ridiculous, and reflective comes from my dad. And my goal-driven, aggressive, outspoken, passionate and snubbish side comes from my mom. So it seems that I'm a person with slight contradiction. That's why when I'm in deep trouble, I get very quiet.
So there's this little swear I did with my folks a few months ago about lessening my extra-commitments especially in play directing. And I am being committed to that little swear. But a while ago in Ateneo, it seemed to me that the commanding spirit I have is itching to get out of my system. Visions keep popping in my head as the play writers made the script. Ideas came swarming like thousands of insects migrating. And it can't, it shouldn't. I can't be the boss this time. I shouldn't be under the limelight because I'm controlling it. I took the backseat and I should stay seated there. And I will.
The main point of this whole article is that I'm being a person too strong for the role that I chose to play. And it feels weird. Thirsting for power. And I have no idea where it comes from. I think it's the only thing that doesn't run in the family but in my blood.
People call me a control-freak and I can even scare my own teachers with a look that says blank. And my mom kinda has that look too. People who don't really know her have the impression that she's mataray when she just holding a face with no expression. There are more things that I dodn't mention that runs in the family that I couldn't relate with ArtsWork so I omitted them. I feel totally scattered-brained. I need sugar.
- Mood:
confused
So anyway, I haven't gotten any news from Iman this whole week regarding the seminar/training for SN. What I'm nervous about is that it might be next week and I'm out for the whole week since I'm gonna be in Bacolod for a whole week's vacation. yes, that means less computer, less fanfic writing and lesser lack of sleep. Though I'm afraid that it's gonna become an eating frenzy there. Province food can be very delicious.
Moving on. I'm feeling pretty numb this summer. It's like on the last day of classes all emotions came floating in the sky. But I've been having weird dreams lately with my teachers, classmates, friends and my school as starring roles. it feels like school is haunting me as early as April and I've been having a hard time getting myself to sleep during the night. Creepy as it is but I feel that there's a pair of eyes looking at me while I sleep. My imagination can go really wide in the dark.
I'll try keeping this updated a little more often now that I'm gonna have something to tell about.
However, good things still happen. The 6 of us, Daniel, Gil, Patrick, Iman, Shirra and I, totally gave the SN office a makeover. The office looks wider on the sides and the messy copies have been bundled and arranged properly after so long. Shirra even arranged the old magazine issues by releasing dates. Talk about all of us being OC today. We even roughly discussed the possible news articles for the first issue. It was fun.
Going home was a wreck. It started to drizzle then after Dani got his dvd rental at videocity, it totally rained so I arrived at southville drenched in rain and sweat. My shirt smelled and everything totally sucked.
When we got home, we ate the usual non-meat dinner then dad wanted some pizza so we went across the street to buy some. He got his pizza and beer mix while we savored the not-so hot sauce with the mushroom and garlic toppings.
Before totally retiring here in my room to type everything, I had to arrange the broadband settings in both PCs. Kinda tiring but at least, I get to do what I will in the net faster.
- Mood: tired
So Seton Notes work is minimal 'coz Iman and I have bulk edited the missing 3rd ish news articles yesterday. We're still waiting for the three 4th issue news articles because some of our writers are nowhere to be heard. It's officially summertime for them. We're having a meeting tomorrow to finalize the training schedule.
Speaking of trainings, I've officially received the e-mail sent by Ateneo school of Humanities regarding my acceptance to their Summer Arts Workshop. Yeah, I'm still figuring out how I'm gonna go there without being late. Imagine, I am commuting from Muntinlupa to Quezon City. I've checked out google maps and the route is really really long. Gonna take a bus to EDSA, take the MRT then an LRT and probably a bus or jeep heading university road. I have no idea how much this is going to cost me, really. But what the heck, workshops like these come once in a lifetime.
Three minutes left. I'm going out later at 5 to walk my dog and post some ads down at the pet supplies store. So far, we haven't got any buyer yet. The house is officially crowded with dogs but far from being 101 dalmatians.
- Mood: sleepy
Everything started yesterday. It was ARC release day. The plan that day was for mom to fetch our cards for us instead of us coming along. At around 10 am, Mika texted me, asking if I was going to school. Chikka texted her saying that I wasn't coming. I asked her if there was any problem and she hesitated in answering back. Forced her to tell me and she said that I had a 79 in Math.
I was terribly shocked that I repeatedly told myself that it was just a joke. When mom arrived, I immediately looked at the ARC and a 79 was printed on it. I was shocked. Seeing the grade made me choke. My appetite had gone away and everything tasted the same.
That's why I decided to come with mom today so I could talk with my Math teacher. Then I found out that he hadn't encoded my exam grade in. Must have overlooked it with the tons of work.
Now, I have still have a deadline to beat and I am nowhere near to even start one now.
- Mood:
relieved
It's funny 'coz school's out but I've been coming back and forth there. It's like I'm being pulled back by the place. To me, it's creepy and honestly, I can't wait to graduate from that place. I'm grateful for everything that I've learned. It's just that that place has too many secrets and issues that can be... (I'd like to leave it hanging)
Anyway, I'm a bit bugged by what I've been hearing. People have been telling me that there'd be alot of changes. Not that I hate change or have some issue with it, but the way people say it, it's in the "end of the world" tone. Why am I bugged out? Well, my school is like a prison. NO need to elaborate.
- Mood: curious
A day after Charmaine's birthday bash at Marga's House, I was required to attend the so-called recognition practice. I was totally not in the mood to come mainly because my mind was set in vacation status already. Moreover, to me, attending the whole thing makes me look.. bitter. For the fact that I've been attending recognition day because of in-campus academic reasons. Now, I'm attending because of an off-campus competition. Not that I'm not grateful for it. I am grateful for winning. It's just that awarding the merit on the competition itself is enough for me. Trying to recognize what I achieved more than that is well...being prideful already.
Anyway, so there I was sitting inside the FBA Auditorium, clearly bored and pissed off. All adults inside the room were clearly not ready to practice us. The Emcee himself kept on telling us "off-campus winners" that we all couldn't practice the right blocking today, that he hadn't arranged the line-up, that we still had to lift are asses up to mockingly walk on-stage to receive the certificate, etcetera.
All in all, I wasted my time that day. So I decided to not go the next day and attend on Monday. Surely, they all have to be ready by then 'coz Monday's general rehearsal. And they can't blame me for not coming on Friday. What's more is that I'm not ignorant enough to indulgently destroy the whole program. I know the flow since I was in the fifth grade. Yeah, that's what's weird with my school. Programs that involve utsiders attending - especially our parents- have to always be prim and proper to the point that every move we make- from the wiping of sweat, the breathing, the position of arms, legs and hands, to the way we all have to mov when we are needed- must be exactly the same, like robots.
Ranting about how I wasted my time wouldn't erase what happened. So I'll relate what happened in the evening. I was playing the flash game 'Burger Tycoon' (something I found while surfing mom's computer at SFU). It was very addicting. Besides that, I was also reading some online fanfics written by random teens hoping that I would learn a new intelligent word. I found David Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius dragging (there were too much events that were, to me, very trivial). Unfortunately, I haven't found a new word.
Going back, my eyes were glued to the PC. Then when I felt sleepy and everything felt boring, I decided to retire in my room. I had climbed the stairs and was going to open the door. I tried fiddling with the knob, not believing I was locked out of the second floor. So technically, that also means I'm locked out of my room, too. I tried knocking, calling my parents and my brother. Nobody answered and I just heard a lound grunt type of snore. I figured they were all dead asleep. So I gave up and set myself on the couch. Afraid that monsters would come get me (since there were two large doors to my side and and in line with my foot), I decided to fall asleep with the television on.
At around 2 am, I heard my mom calling me. She woke up and heard the tv going on. Thanks to the tv she noticed I wasn't in my room. She asked me why I was still downstairs. Told her I was locked out. Shocked was her expression and I didn't care 'coz I felt sticky, hot, and really really sleepy.
Friday, March 20
I woke up because of the text messages flooding my inbox. I was really surprised and freaked out by the unknown number texting me. I thought it was some prank genius on a modus out to extort load. Once I read it, I thought it was Ms. Nanette. I was having doubts to follow what the message had said so I decided to reply and ask for and ID. Told me that it was the Ateneo SOH Dept.'s phone. I gave them a ring. They phoned that I was accepted to the Workshop I applied and I have to wait for two weeks for the formal letter to arrive. I felt excited at first, feeling no interest to take my chicken and hotdog brunch. Then I became anxious. Then t turned to confusion. By the end of the lunch time, I felt really dizzy.
Mom and Dad got home late because the Nissan broke down so they had to leave the car at Caltex overnight. I slept early 'coz I had alot to to the next day
Saturday, March 21
I woke up 'coz I had to pee. I planned to bathe the dogs and fix the files piling up my desk. For today, the only things I've accomplised were helping mom out in writing the written report of her students (part of their edexcel curriculum) and bathing the dogs. Fixing my files would be moved in another day.
Mom went out with her friends for their monthly 'girls' night out' routine. The three of us stayed at home. Dad had a visitor who had two tickets to a "concert" slash mosquito fest. My brother and I were forced to attend. Well, for the fact of being courteous enough to the guy and my thinking that dad wanted us out of the house. Probably wanted a quiet man-to-man talk with the visitor. Whatever. Anyway, we went home at around 10pm 'coz we couldn't stand the atmosphere and the main performers of the night were terribly late not to mention the entire event started one and a half hour late. It pissed me off. I was totally frowing inside the coliseum the whole time.
The fun part was when we got home. My brother got my dad to give us money. We used it to buy pizza and drinks. We ate it with the left-over chicken from dinner. I'm still full right now.
Tomorrow's church day and I have no idea what to wear.
ended at 12:47
- Mood:
cynical
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witty_wizard- Alec Mediodia
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